On Wednesday, the Minnesota Vikings—the same franchise that once employed Jared Allen and uses a Scandinavian war chant as its calling card—became the first NFL team to hire a dedicated “Gen-Z Advisor.” Scooping up an 18-year-old author, speaker and human milk money dispenser Jonah Stillman, the Vikings have now shored up their next-generation liaison position for years to come. No disruptive industry innovation arrives without a few growing pains, of course, but here’s what to expect from Stillman and Co. once Homecoming Committee wraps up later this fall.

  • Score is no longer kept. Instead, teams will be awarded ribbons for effort, open-mindedness towards new plays and overall squad synergy.

  • Halftime orange slices to be replaced by locally sourced avocado spears.

  • Team plans to beta-test new Gatorade cold-brew.

  • Locker rooms will be replaced by a collaborative open-plan work space. Plans to replace sideline benches with bean bags are currently under consideration.

  • Cash is no longer an accepted form of payment at US Bank Stadium. Fans are encouraged to use Venmo instead.

  • Team has hired Cam Newton’s stylist as the NFL’s first “Post-Game Aesthetic Consultant.”

  • All Vikings games will now be available exclusively on your parents’ cable subscription

  • All players have been re-signed to freelance contracts

  • Halftime festivities will be silent 15 minute periods of remembrance for those oppressed by ancient Viking hordes

  • Stadium shop to add customizable male rompers made entirely of purple mesh for select games


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